Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
