I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
