so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
