I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
