i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
