My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
