she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
