Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
