My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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