Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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