So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
