Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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