i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
