Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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