Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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