I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
