My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
