i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
