dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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