i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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