I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
