He is such a slut. More and more my type.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
