He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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