my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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