And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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