I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
