why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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