Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
