using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
