Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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