I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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