you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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