I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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