they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
