At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
