I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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