i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
