It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
