mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
