So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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