there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
