I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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