Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
