I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
