I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
