He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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