If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
