I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
