Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
