he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
