Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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