I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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