remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
