Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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