For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
