also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
