I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
