Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
