She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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